Jean-Claude's Journal

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Re: Jean-Claude's Journal

Postby Dark Siren » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:34 am

I think of him more than I should, certainly more than I wish I did, but there is no remedy for it. Spring is little more than a memory now and with the nights shorter, the air thick with humidity, I can almost taste the sherry, hear the music ringing in my ears with the candles shining bright and one voice low, yet rising through it all. It's a wonder, how easily I'd pushed it aside during my exile, pretending not to notice each year when the skies exploded with man-made storms and all I could recall was falling confetti, a trio in back all but overpowered by tinkling laughter.

Those nights were never pleasant, even through the haze of memory, but they were his; and now, when summer begins in earnest and his phantom hands still dance on my skin those long moments before night bleeds to day, I cannot force my thoughts away.

Chason helps, as he does, but I do not imagine he could ever understand why I look away now and again, as he talks of this grand party and all I can think of are fetes long forgotten by any but me. Our eyes would connect those nights, attendance required no matter where in Europe my travels had taken me, a homecoming that never had a thing to do with Milan. Even if we did not speak, and some years I think he avoided me altogether, we shared in that. Now, of course, it is much more apparent why his eyes shone as they did, those dark thoughts on his brow that I took to be mysterious, inviting.

It changes nothing; those sorts of revelations rarely do. Because July is coming, isn't it? And while Milan has certainly moved on, it's darling boy turned traitor, murderer, there is one here who must pause and remember the life of Richard Montague.
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Dark Siren
 
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Jean Claude Danut
Toreador
Lesser Harpy
4 Status

Richard Montague
Toreador
3 Status
[DECEASED]

Re: Jean-Claude's Journal

Postby Dark Siren » Fri Nov 12, 2010 1:42 am

One is never so dangerous when one has no shame, than when one has grown too old to blush.
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Dark Siren
 
Posts: 1026
Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:29 pm
:: ::

Jean Claude Danut
Toreador
Lesser Harpy
4 Status

Richard Montague
Toreador
3 Status
[DECEASED]

Re: Jean-Claude's Journal

Postby Dark Siren » Thu Mar 17, 2011 1:01 pm

Papa,

I miss you so much. I think sometimes how much easier it would be if you were here, if only I could call you or write you a letter and know you would help There is nothing more heart-breaking to me than this, missing you and needing you so much now and knowing that I never did call, I never did write. Anger and pride and a loneliness I have never felt before, banished so far away; I imagined I would never forgive you, even after you should come to your senses I swore to myself that i would not forgive you. I was wrong on both counts, of course. You never did summon me back - as I secretly expected you to, for thirty years I expected it - and I forgave you the moment I realized how much I loved you, that I could never be angry through that love, and that was the moment I felt you die.

It was easier for Richard, I think, the pain that came with the loss. Maybe madness is easier, maybe it was simply having someone to hold accountable. For me there has been no time to mourn, no moment to myself in so long now that perhaps I've forgotten what it is like. I do not think I would recognize myself at this point, no matter that the person in the mirror obviously has not changed. I feel old, Papa, I feel so very old and tired so much of the time.

This is my home now, isn't it? I hate even writing that but it is true. I can barely remember Milan and all the places before it are like a dream, the story of someone else's life. Even those that still write, as few as they are, there's nothing but shadowy images of their faces in my mind, replaced over and over again by the pale imitations to be found here. But you...

I will never forget you, Julian. You are now and forever my father, and I will never forget you.

JC
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Dark Siren
 
Posts: 1026
Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:29 pm
:: ::

Jean Claude Danut
Toreador
Lesser Harpy
4 Status

Richard Montague
Toreador
3 Status
[DECEASED]

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